Friday, January 1, 2010

“Lamest New Years Eve Ever” Contest

“Lamest New Years Eve Ever” Contest
Who else out there always seems to have crappy New Years Eve plans?  The holiday is overrated, and I never seem to have a perfect New Years Eve night.  Lately I have just given up, stayed at home, and don’t even admit that the night exists.  I’ve even went to bed at 9:30 pm once.  I’ve worked [...]

Who else out there always seems to have crappy New Years Eve plans?  The holiday is overrated, and I never seem to have a perfect New Years Eve night.  Lately I have just given up, stayed at home, and don’t even admit that the night exists.  I’ve even went to bed at 9:30 pm once.  I’ve worked on New Years at a bar full of horny drunks, had a lesbian hit on me, and even had a Taco Bell employee aske me if I was making it a Blockbuster night, since they spotted my video rentals in the front seat next to me.  This contest is for me as much is it is for you, all you nerds, geeks, freaks, tired, poor, sick, depressed, recovering alcoholics, normal and lonely people who have had a bad New Years.  I thought I’d create a little contest for us to make us all laugh and realize that not everyone out there in the world is whopping it up with booze and horns.

Contest is simple: Either share your worst ever New Years Eve story or share your pathetic plans for the big night tomorrow.  Winner gets our sympathy and kind giggles.  If you have a photo of your worst night, even better.  I don’t have many photo’s myself, so I’d love to see yours.  Email it to me in JPEG format only at

Just a small sample of my terrible New Years Eve stories:

  • New Years Eve, 1981/1982.  My alcoholic step-father came home from some party blind drunk.  My mom, in a rage, hit him with the entire stove top, which she ripped off in one motion.  Before I knew it, WWIII had erupted at my house, and all four of us were hitting and fighting one another.  Perfect domestic violence scenario.  This may have been the same night that I slammed the car door on my step-father, and broke his ankle in several places.  Or it may not have been.  Needless to say it was the last one all four of us celebrated together as they divorced the next summer.
  • New Years Eve, 1988/1989.  My boyfriend puked on both of us while we were celebrating at a friend’s house.  When our friend’s parents came home, I had to explain to them why I we were both sitting in the basement, alone, in our underpants, and why one of us was completely passed out, and how their son was kind enough to wash and dry our pants for us, which was why we were still there.  Thank god these parents were so cool and nice about it.  Then again, they were blind drunk.
  • New Years Eve, 1989/1990.  My boyfriend (Same as above) decided to get pissed with me as one of his older friends was flirting with me at a party.  I hadn’t noticed since I was drinking a bit myself.  I thought I was just learning how to play craps for the first time.  All I remember about the party was two things, listening to that famous old song “Boobs a lot” and wearing a naked lady hat.  On the ride home my boyfriend shocked me and his best friend both by actually punching me in the back of my head.  At least he had the decency to pass out right after to avoid me kicking his ass again in front of his friend. 

  • New Years Eve, 1990/1991.  I came back to Michigan State early from Christmas break, as my friend had an apartment and wanted us to crash with them for a few days.  We all went to a frat party, and I was one of four girls in attendance.  Two of the other girls in attendance were um, not attractive at all, and the third girl was with her boyfriend, so I knew I was in trouble, especially since I had already drank a bit before arriving.  Just about every one of those thirty fellas made a pass at me, but since I was a nice nerdy girl, I never made out with any random dudes.    The one dude I knew from the dorms invited me into his room to give me eye drops, as I had dry eyes and before I knew it he was all over me, giving me hicky’s and trying to take my skirt off.  I had my hands full trying to fight him off.  Thank god my 6′1 giant roommate heard my help and she actually broke down the door from its hinges.  She was standing in a cloud of debris and picked me up like a momma cat grabbing a kitten by its scruff and we got the hell out of there.  The worst part is that I had just started dating a new guy a month earlier and had to break him the news that his next door neighbor gave me hicky’s which was why I had been wearing turtle necks for days.

  • New Years Eve, 1991/1992.  I thought it would be safer to celebrate with my movie theatre friends.  Somehow I was handed a video camera and I made the mistake of not knowing it was turned on, so when I went to the bathroom it was taping!  I talked to the camera while taking a pee, saying silly things, can’t remember what exactly.  I thank the lord it wasn’t pointed at me, just a bar of soap on the sink, but everyone died laughing when they watched it the next night.  I did not.  There may have also been some shots of me doing the splits on the pool table.  I am very thankful to this day that did not exist.
  • New Years Eve, 1996/1997.  I was living in Las Vegas with a boy I met on vacation.  He was a friend of my good friend C. who had moved there earlier, and to our young and stupid minds, we thought we had met the love of our lives.  It was all very movie-esque then, but now it seems so stupid.  Anyhoo, he had decided the best thing to do was to propose to me on camera, live and at midnight while the news filmed it.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not one for surprises or this much public attention.  I cancelled my own high school graduation party for this very reason.  Not only wasn’t I ready to be married, I was horrified and pissed at him for doing this to me, especially since we had been fighting the whole night because his friend back east had sent his friend, a stranger, to come and stay with us for the holiday.  So, I said no, on tv, to the horror of everyone in the crowd as well as myself.  It was a terrible, terrible night.

  • New Years Eve, 1998/1999.  On the spur of the moment my friends and I flew to New York to celebrate the holiday.  I have always watched Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Years Eve and all I ever wanted was to see the ball drop in Times Square.  We had a great vacation, and we were in Times Square as early as 5:30 pm.  We went back to our hotel room to get ready, and had plans to swing by the Copacabana later that night.  We were having a blast in Times Square when we got back, hot cops and fun strangers and smuggled bottles of Captain Morgan, but every time you left to go to the bathroom they didn’t want to let you back in, so it was a thirty minute struggle to keep getting back in.  At 11:30 pm my friend’s boyfriend basically forced us to leave because he was cold, so we could head to the club, which totally sucked and cost a lot of money to get into.  I was furious for having been that close and missing it, and for having to spend a ton of money at a famous club that had a lame party going on.  I decided to split, and ended up walking like sixty blocks until I could find a cab to take me through the tunnel to New Jersey where we were staying.  $50 for a three minute cab ride, then a huge fight later when they finally got back to our hotel room.  I told myself then and there never again was I going to get my hopes up.

Please, share your lamest New Years Eve stories or lame plans for tomorrow night.  I’ll be sitting in my pjs with Mr. Ghetto, eating cookies and watching a Hung marathon on HBO.  I was an extra (Just driving my car in a parking lot, nothing special) so I’m curious to see me, and we hear the show is funny.

Posted in 2000s, 2009, 2010, 90s, College, Detroit bloggers, entertainment, Geeks, ghetto, humor, Las Vegas, nerds, New Years Eve, New York, politically correct, pop culture, random thoughts, sarcasm Tagged: alcohol, alcoholics, Breaking news, Dick Clark's Rockin' New Years Eve, drunks, Lame New Years Eve, life, New Years Eve 2010, New Years Eve Contest, news, personal, Times Square

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