Sunday, March 21, 2010

Can I call a moratorium on Bacon?

Can I call a moratorium on Bacon?
I know I'm making enemies for life even by insinuating that I plan on spitting on Bacon's good name, but I can't hold back anymore. People, it's about damn time I said this:

Bacon: get over it.

Look, this happens every so once in a while, where people (namely douchebags and boring people) adopt some meaningless blip on the pop-culture radar and drive its relevancy into the ground. It's kind of like this:

(Average shit-head) "I have nothing to talk about at this party/work/first date and I want to sound epicly cool, so I'm going to bring up how much I love _____ in a totally un-ironic way (even though I 100% don't actually like it or know anything about it or give 2 rats asses) because I heard the cool guy at work mention it (like, one fucking time) and I've been seeing lots of HIGH-lariously funny/borderline sexist t-shirts at American Eagle about it. Then I will reference something stupid that people have known about for 6 months and pretend I'm the first person to talk about it."

You get it? It's like trying to make Fetch happen, but then it actually happens and you pray for the morning you wake up deaf. So yeah, bacon. Remember when it was Mullets? Ninjas? Stuff White People Like? Exactly. You couldn't walk 2 feet without someone describing some dirt-poor gas station attendant's hair as "this wicked mullet that I totally wish I had!" (no, you don't) or referring to themselves as some kind of a noun + "ninja", as in:
Person 1: How did you get that beer?
Person 2: I'm a beer-ninja.

KILL ME. Anyways, back to bacon. I really don't want you to get the idea that I'm a bacon-denier of any kind. I love BLTs. When I go out for brunch, I always ask for bacon in my eggs benedict instead of peameal (or "Canadian Bacon" to my 'Merican readers). There's no denying it's delicious. But COME FUCKING ON!!(Image courtesy of This Is Why You're Fat)
That isn't anything! It's just a pound of bacon between two buns! That could be anything; a whole turkey or 19 sticks of butter or a can of housepaint. But it's bacon, so everybody goes crazy and it turns into Fw:Fw:Fw:Fw: LOOK AT THIS AMAZING SANDWICH!IWANTONE! NOM NOM NOM!!! Um, sorry? Let's forget for a second that this much bacon would literally stop your heart from working and in the event you didn't die from cardiac arrest, you brain would probably just up and quit this bitch. So let's get all that messy science and health shit clear before I address Itis. If you don't know what that is, sorry! Go google it. I usually get The Itis from bacon after about 6 slices; hell, let's just play Devil's Advocate and say 8. So, 8 slices before I become too meat drunk to eat or breath or maintain vision. How many slices are in that sandwich? Like, 50? Exactly - I'd give someone 4, 5 bites tops, before The Itis sets in. Which leaves us with...a shitload of bacon sliding into the trash. So what's the point?!?! In theory, you could impress people by filling up a 7-11 dumpster with delicious smoked bacon, but that doesn't mean you should. It's like saying "look how much food I can waste! Fuck you, starving people clinging to hope that the next plane you see overhead drops enough food for your neighborhood this time so it doesn't end in a hopeless bloodbath, I'm wasting BACON!!!"

And another thing. When you talk about how much you loooooooove bacon, you sound like when Cathy (the comic) talks about Chocolate; that is to say, endlessly and pointlessly. Really, who doesn't love chocolate, Cathy? Have you ever run into someone who is like "Chocolate? Oh FUCK! GROSS! Who eats that garbage? It tastes like hot diapers!" Well, the same goes for bacon; save for vegetarians, have you ever heard someone say "bacon? Oh, that's the WORST kind of meat. Worse than haggis and dog meat". Exactly, because bacons is delicious, just like the sky is blue and New Jersey is a shithole. But we don't need to go overboard with it. It's getting a little tiring.

So I propose we take a break with the bacon love for a second. That means no more this:Or this...
And for the love of god NO MORE THIS:
Okay? That's all I ask. Let's let bacon take a nap in the Used-to-be-Cool Graveyard, where it can chill with Trucker Hats and Snapple.


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