Sunday, December 13, 2009

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 4

America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13, Little People, Big World edition: EP 4
Ty: Indeed. I am 45 today!
The Mayor: Oh dear, Brittany might not be around by the end! Can you feel it? Are you getting that vibe? Ooooh, Sam Fine is like a broke-ass botoxed Benny Ninja
Ty: He is. Where is Benny Ninja Lava?

The Mayor: Concealer, bronzer, mascara, gloss? My 4 are Blush, blush, black eyeliner, pills. I need double the blush cause I am WHITE.
Ty: How do men end up makeup artists? Do they have a moment when their 14 and stealing their mom's coverup for a zit and then....presto they want to be around makeup?

The Mayor: Nigel and his wife? R U JELLIS?!?!?
Ty: I am. I'm jealous of their walls. And sheet. And toilet.
The Mayor: "Makeup is not about changing the way you look" - BISH PLZ. I use makeup to not look like a half-melted baby bird. Wow, I really like this Walmart challenge because, DARE I SAY IT, sometimes I have seen some good clothes at Walmart. I am white trash, it's in my blood. Racing around Walmart? Laura is going to shag-ass.
Ty: Laura is sharpening her elbows. Oh no! Laura! This was your dream!
The Mayor: SNAP. Laura is eliminated already?!?! She just made Middle America cry. Cry tears of gravy and grits. I wanna eat those tears
Ty: Tears that are on sale. Rollback tears
The Mayor: $2 or $3 tears. Okay, Erin is an asshole - I saw how she was throwin' them bows. Bitch is a bruiser

Ty: No one is surprised it was Tyra. If there's a chance for her to be the focal point, she'll take it. I'm surprised they haven't had a shoot where they model beside a life size cutout of Tyty

The Mayor: Tyra wishes every week was Tyra Plays Photographer week
Ty: DUH!
The Mayor: I'm surprised they haven't just called the show TYRA and it's a continuous loop of her posing. Kind of like how CITY-TV shows The Log on Christmas Day. 8 hours of The Log. It's mesmerizing

The Mayor: China Chow? That sounds like slang for Chinese food
Ty: Bad 80s mom slang
The Mayor: "Call up Mr. Pong's and get my ass some motherfucking china chow"
Ty: White suburban stoned gangsta slang. “You don't look completely present”. I'm going to use that on the dumb kids when they say 'present!' during roll call
The Mayor: I can imagine girls say that about you when they see you with your pants off. "You don't look completely present"

The Mayor: Ashley's picture looks like something from an old 1984 Chatelaine magazine
Ty: Ewwww! Chatelaine! Cancon!
The Mayor: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZ happening? How is Ashley skimming by? This is a damn dirty shame.
Ty: This was a power move on panel by Tyra

The Mayor: Bianca looks like Wesley Snipes' mom. Big Mamma Snipes
Ty: Big Mamma she didn't do her taxes either
The Mayor: "Is Bianca the verb, and not the noun?" - Tyra, you probably didn't even get your damn GED.
Ty: did I just get a grammar lesson from Tyra?
The Mayor: Bianca looks SO much like an athlete! She's like the third William
William's sister. The one they keep in the basement

The Mayor: Whoah! They should stop showing Brittany's body - she's making Holocaust survivor's weep
Ty: wet vag hug! I told you Brittany was good. You need to believe me more

The Mayor: Erin...lawd....why is she crying? Get over it! This limo is like a fucking Crybaby Daycare
Ty: Erin's eyebrows would look just fine on an old man's face....imagine them on the Hef
The Mayor: Are you looking at Erin? Bitch is going to take this. Can we just give her the trophy now? Sidenote - the trophy is just a glossy 8x10 of Tyra
Ty: Are you sure it's not a bronzed statue of Tyra?

The Mayor: Dear Makeup Artist: Work on making Jennifer's eye not you say....fucked up. Can I say something SO terrible? Jennifer looks like a horrible Asian stereotype. Like, Jennifer looks like what racist grandparents think Asians are. Jennifer is missing a cat and a computer. Maybe superimpose her in front of a well-made car
Ty: And a 'teeheehee' laugh
The Mayor: THAT'S JAPANESE. I'm talking Chinese
Ty: You said Asian!
The Mayor: Okay, I should have been more specific. Know Your Asians. Also, Jennifer was getting a little personal with that floor
Ty: Jennifer just showed us her O-face

The Mayor: Whoah! Kara's nose is as wide as her face
Ty: Kara does have a memorable face....I would remember it as it chewed off my weenis

Ty: 'It was really enjoyment' - good grammars Laura. Laura is getting a wide-on over this....she needs a westinghouse fan from Walmart to cool the fuck down
The Mayor: Laura looks like an organizer for the Ride to End Cancer

The Mayor: Laura's outfit looks incredible. I love Wanda Sue
Ty: Wanda Sue will design an Oscar Gown. She has a sellable designer name
The Mayor: I want that outift. You have no idea

The Mayor: "Nicole's hands look like Gollum" - you mean Nicole's face looks like Gollum, right? Nicole's everything looks like Gollum
Ty: You no talk bad bouts Nicole. Nicole and I are tight. And by that I mean that I think Nicole is probably tight
The Mayor: Nicole has an outtie. I wish I had an outtie. I have a very deep innie. To the point where it grosses people out. It's a black hole (which is also what they call my vagina)
Ty: I have an innie / outie ... which is what I call intercourse
The Mayor: AHAHAHAHA. No, you call intercourse "up and down" or "tired hands"
Ty: 'Tired hands' That's golden
The Mayor: From now on, can we please call masturbation "tired hands"?
Ty: We can and will

The Mayor: Rae needs some serious Proactiv
Ty: I think that's preggers acne. Sooo...Rae is good. And by good, I meant that.
The Mayor: Rae looks like she'll burn down the school on prom night with her mind

The Mayor: Sundai is making me sleeeeeeeepy
Ty: She looks like that fun girl at the office that loves to go out despite having to get up early to drag her 'rug-rats' to hackey practice

Next week on America’s Next Top Model…
Ty: Benny Ninja!
The Mayor: Benny NInja? Lil Mama? Jabberwockeez?
Ty: Jabbbeeeeewockkkies!
The Mayor: This is going to get out of can-troll! Next week is gonna get Harlemisha
Ty: Good times on the horizon

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